4 Practices to Build a Resilient Mindset and Make WFH Work.
Photo by Slim Emcee (UG) the poet Truth_From_Africa_Photography on Unsplash
It’s possible we're facing one of the biggest crisis in our life-time.
Like many, we’re under immense financial stress - three kids now being home schooled, I've lost all revenue with clients having to lay off thousands and refocus their efforts and my husband’s been unable to pay himself as he fights to keep his business afloat with the staff he has remaining.
BUT…
Despite the devastating impact this is having on our lives financially, there is a silver lining and that’s the opportunity we have to strip our lives back to the bare essentials and focus on what is truly matters - our relationships with each other, and our health and wellbeing.
I've been working from home for the past 5 years, but the added complexities of home schooling three kids is out of this world. What was once a quiet and pleasant experience, has suddenly turned into a hurricane.
It's not easy…
.. having kids at home while juggling work is tough
.. having never done this (work from home thing) before is tough
.. being an extrovert (if you are one) and missing out on social interactions is tough
.. having lost your job or your income is tough
.. having just started a job and worrying about whether you'll still have a job next week is tough
As we embark on this unprecedented level of complexity, I thought it would help to unpack my DO's and DON'T's - things I've learnt - mostly from the mistakes I've made - to make this working from home thing work - and by "making it work" I mean maintaining our mental and physical health and wellbeing, achieving a sense of satisfaction, fulfilment confidence, joy, dignity and connection in our relationships.
4 THINGS YOU CAN START DOING..
PRACTICE #1 Compassion - Be Kind to Yourself - It' Free.
Compassion must start with self. It's impossible to have compassion for others when we're not practicing it ourselves. What good is it if we have compassion for the man who serves us coffee, only to spend the entire day making ourselves wrong for.......everything.
The simple way forward. Firstly, lets remove any expectations you have about how you think life should look, how you think you should be, and what you think you should be doing or not doing... all these "shoulds" manifest as stress..
Remember, most worries are only in the mind, fix your thoughts and the rest will fall into place.
There are two practices I have to forward this game of compassion...
(1) Forgive yourself for everything - forgive yourself for what you did and didn't do today, forgive yourself for what you did and didn't do yesterday, forgive yourself for what you did and didn't do last week, last month, last year or any previous time in your life;
and/ OR.
(2) Focus on what's working instead of what's not - you'll be amazed at how much kinder you can be to yourself when you stop looking at what's not working, and all the mistakes you think you've made, and instead you focus on acknowledging yourself for even just the little things... like the fact you got out of bed, got dressed, home schooled three kids and showed up to work..
PRACTICE #2 Composure - Stop and Breathe (slowly and deeply)
There is no rush to achieve everything at once. While the world as we know it has shut down, and blessed us with the opportunity of taking a much needed break, it's very easy to fall into the habit of working about the clock without coming up for air.
If you're tired, overwhelmed, exhausted, burnout, stressed, sad or worse yet, depressed, it's time to stop. Give yourself a break. Take time out - even if it's 1min to have a glass of water, focus on your breathing and get present to the fact you're alive, that you have a roof over your head, that you have a job, that you have family.. all of that is a blessing worth breathing in.
The point here is to deregulate our limbic (dumb) brain, and regulate our prefrontal cortex - simply said, think smarter and more creatively, and minimise taking action from fight or flight.
My favourite practice - breathing slowly, deeply and mindfully when I get out of bed in the morning, when turning on the computer, making a cup of tea, and driving in the car (especially with the kids).
If you've never done it before, I recommend: The Wim Hoff Breathing Tutorial
PRACTICE #3 Health - Taking Care of Yourself is Not Selfish.
Give yourself some time to make mistakes and discover what works and what doesn't work for you - you must wok that out.l You are no good to anyone, if you fail think about what you need to make this work - especially if you have kids.
There are no hard and fast rules. So what if other people are saying the best way to do this is to be up at 6am, work through until 3pm, then have a break. That may not work for you or your family!
You must find a way to make what you're doing - to work from home - work for you and the people you live with - do what is right, for you.
Before you assist others, always put your oxygen mask on first.
Here's what I do..
I start with making a list of what I need to make it work, eg going for a walk as the very first thing you do for the day, shutting off devices after a certain time, calling a friend or family member at the start of your day to get clear about what's truly important, make a regular time during the day por week to talk with your boss or employees, making sure you feed yourself before you feed everyone else (unless of course you have a baby.
I then make a list of what doesn't work, eg picking up after everyone else because you think its your job, not asking for help and thinking you can handle it all on our own, working before 9am when the kids want our attention.
The last part is simple - do what I know to do and be consistent.
It may take a few days, or even a few weeks before you can settle into a routine - if needed, go back to practices 1 - Compassion and 2 - Stop and Breathe.
PRACTICE #4 Collaborating - Listening is a Gift to Help us Connect
We human beings are weird for connection, so we must find a way to keep ourselves in communication and connected with our family, friends and colleagues.
BUT, remember this, this is not an opportunity to focus on your own our self-interest. This is an opportunity to be self-less, to find out how other people are doing, to take your attention of your own problems just for a moment, to get some perspective on what its like for other people and to offer yourself for support.
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. .
As an aboriginal woman, I am deeply moved by what I believe is one of our most valuable and important skills, our most unique gift, perhaps the greatest gift we can give to our fellow Australians - we call it Dadirri - inner, deep listening and quiet, still awareness.
This is the gift that Australia is longing for.
My recommendation. Check out the composure activities in the Driven Resilience App - I use this personally and professionally. It's scientifically proven to improve our ability to connect, be calm and in control during difficult times - making it easier for us to be present with others, and to listen without judgement.
Download the Drive Resilience AI-Powered Coach (App) - use the code TPC-COVD to get 50% off (only $6 pm for 2 months, and 10% off every month thereafter - valid until May 25).
WHAT NOT TO DO - THE DONT's
Do not take the piss (just because you're working from home, being paid for 7hours a day, does not give you permission to sit on Netflix all day)
Follow other people's rules about how they do this working from home thing, just because you think you "should" - we have no idea what other people are dealing with and what works for them, may not necessarily work for you.
Agree to other peoples requests and secretly hide your resentment, like agreeing to a meeting and then not turning up, or turning up and not pay attention to what's being said. Its rude and worse yet, you're the one who ends up angry, disempowered and disengaged.
Agree to anything you have no intention of doing. Said another way, don't lie - like saying you're working when you're not - make sure you read "Without Integrity Nothing Works")
"An individual is whole and complete when their word is whole and complete, and their word is whole and complete when they honour their word"
Force your rules on the ways you like to work on others, ie manipulation, guilt. Its the quickest way to lose friends and influence (the opposite of Steven Covey's 7 habits of how to win friends and influence people)
These are just a few of my practices, my simple DO's and DON'Ts.
We are all in this together.
You are not alone.
If you want any support - book a FREE - no obligation call here.
In the meantime, Be Well,
Kylee
Uncharted Leadership with Kylee Stone. A Personal Story of Resilience and Courage in Creating a New Paradigm of Leadership.
Hi, I’m Kylee Stone.
I’m a descendent of the stolen generations of the Kulluli and Wakka Wakka nations with an intrinsic talent in the power of storytelling to create meaningful connections.
I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land and I pay my respects to our elders past, present and emerging.
It is not my intention to cause any concern. If while reading my story you experience any concern for your own or others wellbeing, please reach out to your family or any professional support services.
It is my hope that we embrace the power of storytelling, one of the most powerful and valuable contributions of our wisest and most mature culture, to fulfil on what we deeply care about - meaningful connections.
“When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. And when we don’t own our stories of failure, setbacks, and hurt—they own us” - Brene Brown
My purpose is to create a world where people are acknowledged.
My mission is to disrupt the status quo on the traditional views of leadership - that we need a title or a seat at the table to be a leader - and we empower people to realise their potential as leaders by taking action in direct accordance with their Vision, Values, Purpose and Passion while taking care of their own and others wellbeing.
My story…
The Kullilli People are descended from 32 ancestors associated with Kullilli country. My great grandmother, Moola Conbar, was from Thargomindah, 1,000 km west of Brisbane, in South East Queensland.
As a result of the governments forced removal of our people, Moola was moved to the Geddes Family Station in Gladstone. Not long after her arrival she fell pregnant. Despite knowing whether it was consensual, the stations owner denied paternity so she was moved to an aboriginal settlement in Cherbourg.
Moola gave birth to my grandmother, Margaret Jewell Fisher (Maggie), in a local hospital in Murgon and despite her marriage to James (Fisher), my grandmother was taken and placed into a residence for all the half-caste children.
By the time she was 3, she was forcibly removed from the settlement and taken from her family 350km south to the Salvation Army on the Gold Coast where the government believed she would be “better off”.
My grandmother spent 13 years living with a family and working without wages until she found her way to Sydney, married and had four children.
After issues of domestic abuse, my mother (at 5yrs of age with 2yo twin sisters) was moved to the Salvation Army in Canowindra (320 km west of Sydney) where she remained until 15.
One year later, she fell pregnant with me. She was single and 16.
My father, a 17 yo guy who was clearly not ready for parenthood was nowhere to be seen.
As was often the case in those days, pregnancy in youth was forbidden and hidden so my mother was told " if you keep the child you’re not coming home”.
I spent the first four weeks after birth in a room waiting for adoption, while my mother was left alone to deal with one of the most difficult decisions of her life.
One the day I was due to be taken, my mother refused. Despite knowing we’d be homeless she succeeded. The next few years were spent moving from couch, to couch until eventually we we moved into housing commission in Redfern. I had one piece of clothing my mother had made and my bed was the bottom draw in some donated furniture.
Fast forward 3 years, my mother found love and got married. As young as I was I didn’t realise he wasn’t my father until being on holidays I overheard my aunty “You’re not her real father ”. It was a heartbreaking moment of betrayal.
They separated when I was 10. Two years later I was sexually abused by a couple of 21 yo guys. Having found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, I burdened myself with blame.
Afraid I’d get in trouble if I said anything, I woke up the next morning and, like the judge sentencing a court ruling, I sentenced myself “You need to pretend nothing happened and move on”.
A year later (after clearly traumatising my mother with what became an early dose of drug and alcohol use) we moved. I went to 6 different schools in the first 7 years, 11 schools by the time I completed my HSC.
Believe it, or not, I earned myself the nickname “Smiley Kylee”. I buried my pain and focussed on pleasing others to keep myself safe.
I did not have access to the education or privileges afforded to children raised in a family where conversation around the dinner table sparked a brains trust of knowledge waiting to be launched into the world, but I was none the wiser.
I consider myself blessed with great DNA. I definitely got my brilliance, mathematical talents, strength, resilience and courage from my mother.
I excelled in college with first place honours in business, marketing and sales, landing me with a job working for The Gold Coast Bulletin which, at the time, was the fastest growing media product, and region, in the country.
My timing was impeccable. I had the opportunity to work on the inaugural Indy Grand Prix and twelve months later, thanks to the support of my colleagues, had the privilege of being in The Miss Australia (Gold Coast) Pageant - it was an experience I’ll never forget. And incase you’re wondering, I came second.
I spent 20 years climbing the corporate ladder. I got my first leadership (well, technically “managers”) job at 27 with an extraordinary career working on some of Australia’s most successful media brands, launching Marie Claire, Men’s Health, Body & Soul and Fitness First Media (to name a few).
In 2005 I landed my dream job as the Marketing and Strategy Director at News Corp, leading the NSW Community newspapers.
In 2010 it started to fall apart….
I had a miraculous experience during my return to work with my first two children (born in 2007 and 2009) with two major pay raises and a promotion. It wasn’t until the third child it all went to pieces.
Despite wanting to return to a job I loved, I walked into the office to negotiate the terms while thinking:
“I can’t do this. I can’t take care of three kids and work full-time”
I wanted part-time, but my boss wanted me full-time. I couldn’t see how to make it work without it having a massive impact on the family so I suggested we split the role and my boss agreed.
I lost all the parts of the job I loved - no team, no influence, sitting in the corner office with a view over the boardroom I felt like Baby Haussman in Dirty Dancing (and no-one puts baby in the corner!).
In true Kylee spirit (resilient and determined), I thought:
“What are you doing, Kylee. This is your life! Are you going to sit around and wait for the role of the dice or are you going to do something about it?”
I got a coach. I started reading a pile of books from ‘Google's Search Inside Yourself’ to Robin Sharmers ‘The Leader without a Title’ and ‘The Great Work Of Your Life’. I enrolled in post-grad studies, signed up to the Change Management Institute and got myself a mentor.
I was standing at the cafe, waiting for my morning relief of coffee when a woman at work asked “how are you”.
In true Kylee style (keeping it real), I said…
“honestly, I’m awful. I hate my job, I’m working my ass off, studying part-time, taking care of three kids and pissed off because working part-time somehow equates to not having the same level of intelligence to being a leader and I’ve lost all the parts of the job I love”
I started hosting a mentoring circle for women who we’re going through the same frustrations, challenged with a lack of flexibility in senior leadership positions and desperately wanting to advance as leaders.
That was the beginning of my journey to solve what was undeniably a universal challenge: “How do we fulfil on our life-long ambition to advance as leaders (without having a title) while taking care of our own and others wellbeing”.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse. It’s Tuesday March 5, 2014. A day like any other, up at the crack of dawn with three young children. It’s my eldest son’s 7th birthday, my daughter is 6 and my youngest, soon to be 4.
I open an email from our CEO with devastating news that a colleague, and friend, of 15 years had taking his life. He was in his 40s and had two kids. It rocked me to my core.
I arrived home to celebrate my sons birthday and I found myself sitting opposite my husband crying, “the business has gone into administration and we’re going to lose the home”.
We were two weeks-off launching our first event for Team Women Australia. Sharing openly with the team and colleagues, I took two weeks to take care of my family. A month later, I’m sitting with my husband crying, as he braces himself with the courage to tell me he betrayed my trust.
His story is not mine to tell, so I’ll let you read between the lines. Suffice to say, in my world, there could not have been anything worse. It triggered a series of untreated trauma buried in my body from my childhood abuse and so i discovered “the body keeps score”.
We went ahead with the event and despite all the turmoil at home a year later I left News Corp and started The Performance Code, a coaching consultancy specialising in leadership transformation, resilience and wellbeing.
Taking care of my own wellbeing was a priority. On July 23, 2015 I was diagnosed with an auto-immune condition - Hashimotos - an underachieve thyroid - basically the body attacking itself with a big warning to me: its time for you to take care of yourself (and stop worrying about taking care of everyone else).
Did I learn? Not quite.
Despite adversity I showed up.
In 2018 I was acknowledged by NAIDOC “Because Of Her We Can” as one of 13 Indigenous Leaders inbusiness for my contribution to advancing women in leadership where I achieved one of my own dreams, claiming “the moniker of Australia’s Oprah”, I was described as “an irrepressibly curious and effervescent force of nature” and “one of the most authentic leaders of our time”.
“It’s Kylee’s sharp intellect, endless energy, unbridled compassion and no-nonsense approach that earns her the trust and respect of others” - Femeconomy
In early 2020 I became a global ambassador for Driven Resilience and by the end of the year I’d been named LinkedIn Top 20 Voices.
In many ways, the pandemic did me a favour. It was an opportunity to stop doing what I knew wasn’t working - to stop building a business that serves others without taking care of my own financial well-being.
While it appeared natural, and organic, to focus on leadership development, it didn't align with my belief that real transformation in leadership does not, and will not, occur inside the current model of leadership - where the command and control hierarchy prevents people from having the freedom to be courageous and unleash their potential.
After 28 years in the business of storytelling and telling other peoples stories, it was time for me to operate with integrity to share my story and passion for the power of storytelling to create meaningful connections.
With a passion for working with forward-thinking leaders and building brands that align on purpose, I decided to partner Design House Collective, a global brand building company that brings together the worlds leading talent in design thinking, business engineering and organisational transformation.
It is a gift to work with a group of people who collaborate on values, strengths and talents to build brands that align people on purpose and accelerate growth to fulfil their vision and mission.
My greatest wish that we take the wisdom of our indigenous culture, the most matured culture on the planet, and help the western world discover and the power of storytelling to learn, connect and grow.
My story has shaped who I am, it gave my my values, strengths and purpose.
As for the story of the future, that’s one I get to write - a clear vision and mission to create a new paradigm of leadership that empowers people to realise their potential as leaders by taking action in direct accordance with their vision, values, mission and purpose.
It’s not an easy journey but, with the right support and guidance, it is a miraculous one!
If being someone who transforms the way the world works, embraces the power of storytelling and bringing your purpose to life is inspiring to you, then I invite you to join me!
Career Highlights
2021 - Linked In Reconciliation Week Acknowledgement
2020 - LinkedIn Top 20 Voices
2019 - Global Ambassador for Driven Resilience, the world's number one resilience app for mental resilience and wellbeing with a scalable technology platform for organisations to achieve a measurable improvements in individual and organisational performance and welling
2018 - Launched Unleashed Wellbeing organically growing to 18k followers
2018 - Ambassador for National Flexible Working Day; and Featured as one of 13 Indigenous female leaders in the QLD Government “Because of Her We Can” campaign, workshops and speaking engagements supporting International Women’s Day, breaking down social barriers, advancing women in leadership and partnering with consultants and entrepreneurs to impact performance, resilience & wellbeing
2014 - Launched Team Women Australia, a not-for-profit organisation specialising in the power of storytelling to bring women together from different backgrounds, cultures, experiences and interests to advance as leaders in their career, community, business and life.
2013 - National Distribution and Logistics Operations consolidation project. Transformation of an end-to-end supply chain with the objective of aligned functionality with core competencies, reduced operating costs, and improvements in productivity, accountability and employee satisfaction ($41m project)
2010 - Shared Leadership, Company & Product Rebrand. 29 Brand Champions leading an overhaul on established community brands and creating alignment on local heroes and in the peak of digital disruption and a decline in print media achieved +23% growth in readership and 1.8% ($3.9m) growth in revenue in 9 months.
2009 - News Ltd Company Merger & Market Optimisation. Delivering $8m in additional revenue.
2004 - Launched Fitness First’s first-ever custom publishing magazine – a JV with the Federal Publishing Company, our launch edition carried 132 pages, delivered 75k+ distribution and over $100k in advertising revenue.
2001- Launched Body + Soul – News Limited’s first-ever nationally aligned magazine-style newspaper insert across all Sunday newspapers targeting women and increasing revenue +$650k in its first edition.
What’s one thing people would never know about me? I was Runner-Up Miss Gold Coast in 1991.